A List of Romantic Demands

I saw Pride and Prejudice again and, while I was sighing in my seat and thinking how I wished life were more like the movies, the perverse realization of what that would actually entail came over me.

So, in the interest of assisting Tech Support towards being the most romantic boyfriend he can, I am creating a list for him.

Don't tell me you love me.

Of course you've already told me you love me and that spoils it a bit, but we're just going to have to backtrack a bit. Please stop telling me you love me this instant.

Instead I would prefer that you direct very intense stares at my neck at every possible moment. Extra points if I am doing something particularly graceful or requiring particular skill and you stand behind me with admiration warming your cool eyes. Of course I must be mostly unaware of these stares, except for a few moments where our eyes meet and then quickly part again. Should I catch you at it too often however, the illusion will be ruined. I must not actually know that you desire me.

Don't be too obvious in your affection. This of course goes with the above, you should not pay too much obvious attention to me. Furthermore, when you do pay attention be sure to be as confusing as possible. Engage me in excellent conversation, make me laugh, and then the next time we meet be as cold and reserved as possible. Do not encourage me at all towards a romantic attachment, if anything, deter me from one with veiled hints, or even send some friends to crush my spirits. Bonus points if I start sobbing in confusion at some point.

Make things as difficult as possible. If men just declared their love the instant they felt it and offered to marry the object of their admirations the world would be a far poorer place. Leave the city I am in and move away. Declare you love me in such terms that I feel it is an insult, try to insult my mother while you are at it.

Have several others vying for your affection. How romantic is it if I should win your heart when there is no other competition? Make sure the other party is particularly nasty and underhanded.

If possible, orchestrate some sort of terrible family tragedy that threatens to destroy all my happiness. Only when I have sunk to the deepest despair can I truly realize how much I love you. Of course the fact that you may not love me will only deepen my suffering.

And if you successfully achieve all that, I will finally consider you the romantic boyfriend worthy of all my love and affections.